A Bachelors Blog

I seem to have a knack for writing on the fly.... In My minds eye it will be perfect but reality is always a splash of cold water...    I am of course drunk as I try to write this. I am dizzy and and angry and hurt and stuck in this stupid moment.    Pragmatic Ryan says "hey, this was a  conclusion" and my bits and parts follow suit, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the sting.    I know this is a one sided event and that I'm powerless to do anything about it but it doesn't change the fact that I think jrsnan ibsy  --- ok so this is my blog from last night. It started strong and poignant and literally slipped into jibberish. Talk about mapping out a train wreck.    I feel better today though and I'm glad this didn't continue.  This, 'diatribe' against a certain Catholic. It's legit.    I'm hung over and my contacts are stuck to my eyes, never a pleasant feeling.  It really does feel like a cat used my mouth for a lit...

  I'm waiting for my Doctor. Again. She is worth it though so my patience continues. I'm writing this simply to stay awake because I'm simply drained. I can't even keep my eyes open for the book I'm reading so its writing or snoozing in the waiting room and that very elderly bald fellow two seats has shifty eyes and nimble fingers.    I inherently distrust spry old folks. Its a thing.    Stuck waiting forces you to think where normally the blessed noise of life will be a soothing white blanket of sound to wash away those pesky thoughts, or better yet, be a bug zapper to the incessant buzzing  around my head.    Of course life doesn't work that way really, and I'm a thinker, all the way through. It has its charms (I'm pretty good at learning from my mistakes, I can give you a pretty good go at chess and it helps with writing lame blogs), but any thinker will inevitably confess to the down sides; restlessness, sleeplessness, self doubt, confusion, f...

http://youtu.be/Lvy3Upee6ZM

I'm at the lake. Caddy lake to be specific, with friends and acquaintances who , unknown, are still  good people.   I sit out on the boat house, looking up at the stars, listening to Jeff Buckleys Hallelujah... Alone.    There are 12 people here besides me, six couples.. Making me the extreme single.  I cannot stress that I am writing this while in a drunken stupor.     The beautiful stars stare down at me, the sad music drums in my ears, the darkness descends on me like a cloak... The sense of aloneness is not harder to come by than right now.     My desires  and hopes pervade my Dreams, forcing me to steps I would normally not take, injecting a sense of hope where rightfully there shouldn't be any.    It's been a very long while since someone has awoken my desires, sparked my interest. I'd like to say that it will all pass, I'd like to state that the ending will be clear and victorious, I'd like to say that there is even hope...

So the summer is upon us all (unless you happen to be reading this from Japan, New Zealand, or Australia...Pals!)   As I sit and write this, I am enjoying the view very similar to this picture, which I took a few weeks back.      To say its been an easy summer is a gross overstatement. Yes, being off work has its benefits but the reasons for being off work really do continue to suck.    In June there were a rash of traumatic events at my office within nine days. I handled myself well enough in the moment of each crisis but found that I could no longer sleep. More pointedly, couldn't (and still can't) stay asleep. I'm up every few hours. Awake and alert for no apparent reason, or I just doze lightly.. A state of 'hyper vigilance' as my doctor labels it which means I'm pretty tired all the time    It's getting worked on slowly and steadily so I'm not terribly concerned its just strange to be off work as much as I have been.    Spending as ...