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Fuck this place, I’m out…

I grew up poor.  Really poor. To steal a line from Chris Rock, we grew up so poor we couldn’t afford the O R at the end of the word, we were just PO. hahaha. Still accurate. But my childhood poverty isn’t the point of this post. I mention it because growing up I had to watch all my friends going on family vacations to Disneyland and the Phillipines and Mexico and wherever their families were in the world while I roamed my asphalt jungle like a half wild animal in a cage.   I always vowed that I would see the world someday. It was a fervent childhood promise full of idealism and hope, as only a child can conjure.   In my heartbreak of being left behind and alone to fend for myself all summer, I knew, in my bones…I just KNEW… I’d go out there and see the world some day. Even as those bitter tears streamed down my little cheeks, the fire to see the world, the one I only ever read about in books, burned deep in my soul.  … … … Fast forward a few decades.  I’ve seen some shit.  Travelled to
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The Hard Truth

…is that we are imperfect creatures. Today… today I am sad and I can’t shake it. Some days are just like that.     I miss talking to Doug. I miss Margaret’s laugh, I miss Stefan’s ridiculous stories and ridiculous facts about any topic at all.     They are all dead and gone.  Ghosts in the halls of my mind.    I recently ended a long engagement with someone I really thought was going to be my person but we are all human and as humans do, we go our own ways sometimes. We lost our way and when I realized that we weren’t a team anymore, I sadly ended it.  That’s been bothering me for months.  Trying to mourn the loss and deal with work and life and family and friends… these losses can fade into the background, maybe not get the proper attention and focus they need.  An old injury that never really heals properly, leaving an ugly scar.     More recently I embarked on a relationship that was one of those classics that I think we all can relate to “when it was good, it was amazing, but when
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Hope - a song by NF (worth listening to)

I’ve been on a journey.  This is a long and winding road, full of bumps and danger and pain… full of challenges and hardship and did I mention the pain?   I’ve been challenged in life recently and have had enough of trying to do things the wrong way. The way my mother taught me, the way of damage and hurt and selfish and pain and pushing everyone away. I’ve hid behind the ‘honourable veneer’ of independence. It’s been my shield and my armour, keeping both the terrible pain and the amazing goodness of people away.  Arms length. Exactly how I like it.  It’s easier this way.. Until it isn’t.  Until my child is hurt by my armour. Until my relationships suffer on the steely distance the armour provides me.   Now I am taking that armour off. It’s been wounding me and my loved ones as well as insulating me from good and bad experiences.  I needed to find a better way.   I’ve found it… but fuckin hell, is it a difficult path.   This song offers me hope and hopefully a glimpse into my world for
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thoughts from a taxi

This morning I witnessed a beautiful sunrise amidst the brittle cold of a prairie winter. Cold all night and cold all day but in the middle of that misery was this one beautiful moment, making the rest of it that much more bearable and isn’t that just how life goes sometimes?   There are times when you are stuck and struggling and you just need to reach out for a win, something to get you through, whether Its a beautiful sunrise, a positive interaction, the hug of someone you love, the sweet tail wags of your beloved pet, the feel of the hot car seat heater on your aching back, the taste of a good mug of coffee or tea… any moment to pause from the grind and to just enjoy. Put everything else aside just for a few seconds and soak in that joy and pleasure.  Life has been difficult for me these past couple of months and I’ve been trying my best to pull out of my personal nosedive, to find my peace and to get back to good mentally. It’s the time of year as well, I get that, but sometimes t
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2 years ?!?

I didn’t realize how fast time has been blurring by since 2021.  After losing someone important to me I think I just needed to retreat for while.   A quick recap - Tried to return to work in 2022 and dealt with numerous issue in my return. Doctor decided I needed to rest so I was off work again from November till May of 2023, without support from work or workers comp so no pay for 6 months. #stress  My relationship fell apart.  A lot of big and small issues but in summation… we grew apart into different directions.  It happens. It’s sad but that’s life sometimes. Tried returning to work in May and it’s stuck so far… it’s been tough and for some reason 2024 just wants to be difficult but that’s life sometimes too I suppose.   Writing has always been a healthy vent for me and my blog has been a place to just talk it out. Never really know who’s reading but it does help me process through some rough patches.  So thanks, Blog!   So now we enter a new year with a whole whack of challenges;
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Goodbyes are hard to do - a Eulogy

I’ve written this in my mind about a hundred times over the past while and have studiously avoided ‘putting pen to paper’ until now.  Now we are out of time and my guts and heart ache as my spirit struggles with this loss.  This isn’t about me.  I’m a supporting actor in this blog post.  This is the best way to honour my friend that I can think of, to help ease her passing maybe a little.  A post to tell the world about this wonderful person that most readers have never met, and never will, and that’s the biggest shame of all.  This star shines so bright in the world and the darkness just seems to push in a little more without it.     I fell in love with Margaret the moment I saw her.  She was my first true love. I was smitten.  Her golden hair and sparkling green eyes, her musical laugh and amazing wit. The stories of how we met and the connection to eachother through the 27 years together are both hilarious and awkward, boring and crazy, sad and happy.  Highs and lows.  We remained f
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Long COVID, update

Welp, as I approach 10 months of medical leave of absence, I figured it was time for an update of sorts.   So let’s Coles notes this bish and get caught up.   - summer - started to recover and get back to a level of normal. Hopeful to return to work once off my blood thinners - October - massive setback with the cold weather.  Basically all my symptoms and issues returned, almost sent myself to the hospital on a few occasions. Depression and docs orders to not walk more than a city block per day start to wear me down - December - 30 pounds overweight. Depressed. Headaches, muscle and joint pain, cough, covid fog, insomnia issues, and a crushing fatigue.  I finally get off the blood thinners. Although they are life saving they are also life altering in a less than ideal way.  - December, off the blood thinners, I start to kind of feel a semblance of my old self.  Start small walks.  3000 steps. 6000 steps. 10 000 steps.  My asthma and lungs are an issue but I manage even in the cold wea
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