The Hard Truth

…is that we are imperfect creatures. Today… today I am sad and I can’t shake it. Some days are just like that.  
  I miss talking to Doug. I miss Margaret’s laugh, I miss Stefan’s ridiculous stories and ridiculous facts about any topic at all.  
  They are all dead and gone.  Ghosts in the halls of my mind. 
  I recently ended a long engagement with someone I really thought was going to be my person but we are all human and as humans do, we go our own ways sometimes. We lost our way and when I realized that we weren’t a team anymore, I sadly ended it.  That’s been bothering me for months.  Trying to mourn the loss and deal with work and life and family and friends… these losses can fade into the background, maybe not get the proper attention and focus they need.  An old injury that never really heals properly, leaving an ugly scar.  
  More recently I embarked on a relationship that was one of those classics that I think we all can relate to “when it was good, it was amazing, but when it was bad it was pretty horrible”.  That short and bittersweet journey was fun and sad and challenging and ultimately ended. I really learned a lot in these past two relationships though; what I want and don’t want in a partner, goals and future plans, communication methods, listening skills.  
  I’m learning a lot.  Therapy/self-help studying has helped me understand myself better especially coming from the tragic and abusive past that I have.  It’s good to have someone to help you understand things that maybe most people take for granted. 
  Why am I triggered and angry over certain things? What ARE those feelings in my gut, anyway?! Wtf are they even doing there? 
 Introspection is a good thing.  It’s also a very difficult thing and it hurts sometimes. Seeing your not awesome bits and learning to love them is a real challenge but it’s a kindness and allows us to give that love back to others.
Hokey? Yes. 
Correct? Also yes. 

  So why, gentle reader, am I pulling back the curtain for you to see my deep and dark inner turmoils and troubles? Would this be over sharing and embarrassing for you to read on my behalf? 
Possibly. But I think that would simply reflect on your own feelings.  Truth is, I don’t care what others think about my blog. It’s built to be honest, open and hopefully funny on occasion.  
I’m writing this so you know that sometimes I’m not ok, no matter how things look on Facebook and instagram.  Sometimes my soul bleeds and my spirit rages in my chest with a vocal cord shredding scream…
Sometimes I’m sad. I miss my friends and I’m struggling with being a ‘good person’ and being healthy emotionally in a relationship. 
  It’s ok to be sad.  It’s ok to not be ok.  I write this one month before my 47th birthday and I really don’t have my shit in order. 
This is also ok.  I don’t expect to. What I am though, is curious about how I can get to a better me. I think I’ve found some things to help. 
  This blog is one of them. I’m still sad as I write this but that’s ok. I let the feeling wash over me and allow it to just hang out. It goes away after a minute or two and I continue to write. 
  Take heart, gentle reader.  You are not alone… keep up the good fight and push through these moments of sadness, of struggle. We can’t enjoy the sunshine without a little rain now and then. 

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