Goodbyes are hard to do - a Eulogy

I’ve written this in my mind about a hundred times over the past while and have studiously avoided ‘putting pen to paper’ until now. 
Now we are out of time and my guts and heart ache as my spirit struggles with this loss. 
This isn’t about me.  I’m a supporting actor in this blog post.  This is the best way to honour my friend that I can think of, to help ease her passing maybe a little.  A post to tell the world about this wonderful person that most readers have never met, and never will, and that’s the biggest shame of all.  This star shines so bright in the world and the darkness just seems to push in a little more without it. 

   I fell in love with Margaret the moment I saw her.  She was my first true love. I was smitten.  Her golden hair and sparkling green eyes, her musical laugh and amazing wit. The stories of how we met and the connection to eachother through the 27 years together are both hilarious and awkward, boring and crazy, sad and happy.  Highs and lows.  We remained friends on and off for her entire life and built a very strong bond of trust and care as she battled her Cancer diagnosis and tried to just live her life as best she could.  
  Margaret was one of those classic stoic Polish girls. Not one to complain or show her tears to anyone if she could avoid it. No matter the situation, she would quickly switch to caring for those around her, a hallmark of her character and heart for her loved ones, that she would consistently and efficiently shelve her own agony to care for others in theirs. I witnessed this numerous times especially over the last 18 months as things steadily went from
Bad to… really bad… for her. For us all, I suppose. 
  I want to write a long post about all the memories and so many good things I know to be true about Maggie.  I just can’t. I think I will hold those close to the vest… those will just be for me.  
  I will illustrate who Mags was with this fact though. I think it will tell you all who she was and still is to the ones she had to leave behind. 
   Margaret couldn’t have children.  She wanted them so badly, her only desire in life was to be a mom and fate, in all it’s unending cruelty, took that away from her, try as she might. It was never in the cards for her in that way. 
 So what did she do?  Well, she fostered and adopted.  Not one, not two, not three, but seven children.  Seven.  It amazes me still every time I think on it.  The toughness that goes hand in hand with a heart so prepared to love and give that love to children. Amazing. 
And what a mom she’s been. Through challenges and frustrations and heartbreak and laughter and joy, Margaret was the epitome of unconditional love.  Always there, always trying, always willing.  She failed, what parent doesn’t, but her bounce back was fast and constant.  I loved that about her. That heart of hers… if ever there was a theme to a persons life, that would be it.  Even after the surgeries that shaved off portions of that same heart she still fought hard for her kids.  
   I know she battled with Cancer in ways most people who haven’t had it don’t realize. I noticed the same with my dad as he fought a similar battle.  Cancer takes over not just physically in one’s life but everywhere. The conversations are just about the disease, diagnoses, treatments, timelines, science, and you quickly lose yourself.  I made it a point to specifically side step those conversations with her. I’d get the info and then change the subject to the kids or whether her brother was able to get back from Poland (before he was able to eventually get back here), how her mom was managing, what the kids were up to, and forever she would ask about my life. How was I? Was I enjoying work? Was the relationship going well? Always pressing hard to make sure everyone else was taken care of before her own needs were met.  
And stubborn.  If you want a recurring theme in a life, that one comes close to the top.  She did have a fierce independence, and losing some of that as things progressed, I know that hit her really hard.  She would hide it as best as she could but I saw it. I knew it in my heart. The Cancer was winning and my rage was useless to stop it. Watching my dear friend and unable to fix her… 
  Boy, but did she fight!! 6 years and so many chemo sessions and radiation and surgeries. I know she was struggling for the last year and a bit. She was ready to go, but her heart for the ones she was leaving behind was so big that she literally suffered to stay with us a little longer.  She wanted to try to make some memories with the kids and her fiancé, her brother and mom as well as us few fortunate friends who she had time and energy for. She tried so hard for us.   
  Not one to show her pain, it surprised me when she leaned against me one night and sobbed her pain out. Living with the agony of a missing lung, surgery scars, and cancer running loose, it was too much.  I remember her falling asleep beside me and her quiet whimpering in pain, even as she slept…
  I knew then that no matter how selfish and sad I would be, she needed to rest. She had earned it but she was hanging on because we wanted her to stay with us.  She was living in absolute pain, constant and relentless discomfort, she bore that simply because her loved ones asked and didn’t want to lose her. The sheer will of a person to suffer for others like that.  The fortitude and stubbornness.  
Truly she is one of the toughest and strongest people I have ever known. 
   I want the world to know her as I know her. I want her to be remembered forever and held close to peoples hearts as we will hold her. 
  I have much to say but it hurts too much. I’ll end this with a quote that’s as appropriate as any I have ever read. 
  Goodbye Margaret, we love you and miss you and you will see us all later… rest now. 

- Sometimes it makes me sad though,
You being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged.  Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they are gone. 
  I guess I just miss my friend. 









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