Underlying Anger (minor COVID update?)

Wasn’t sure which title to go with so you get them both…. And on that note, let’s jump right in… 

If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know about my COVID and blood clotting near misses. Going from completely healthy and gearing up for martial arts competing to not being allowed to walk more than three blocks in a day, well, it’s been a challenge. 
  So that will earn me understatement of the year, I think. 
  It’s hard to get your head around the ‘not allowed to do the stuff for your own good’ mentality.  I pushed limits a few times to my own detriment and boy did I feel those repercussions.  Usually lasting days of pain. You learn quickly when the teacher is agony. 
  So going from being the fiercely independent and driven person to a meeker version of myself, being told what I can and cannot do, and of course pushing those boundaries to my detriment (see previous paragraph) has really done a number on my psyche. 
  I noticed early on in my recovery how short my temper had become, how quickly I was getting annoyed at drivers and just crowds in general. Things were really bugging me in a way they hadn’t for years and years. I needed to do a deep dive into wtf was wrong inside of me. 
  Took me awhile to figure it out. Internal mechanisms can be hard to see when naval gazing. We don’t like to see the ugliness in ourselves, much easier to blame the world and everyone else but really, I had no leg to stand on here.  I knew I was cranky. I knew things that don’t usually irritate me were irritating the ever loving fuck out of me, well out of proportion. I was also doing things like buying new appliances and trying to Reno the house and getting the truck. Those were the clues.  
  I was lost, my control over my life had been stripped from me with the hospitalization, the emergencies, the constantly being told what was going to happen to me. No input or say, just ‘this is how it is now, deal with it’. 
  To put things into perspective… I now need to be tested yearly for the rest of my life (or more if I notice anything weird in my body) and  a CT scan isn’t fun. I’m on blood thinners which means I can’t do martial arts for fear of injury.  Also, once I’m off the pills, if I throw another clot at any point ever in my life (including immediately after I go off the pills) that’s it, I’m on those drugs for the rest of my life and at least one CT a year plus kidney testing because of the drugs. Sooooo i may not be able to do the job I really like doing and to be forced to a desk job would kill me inside.  It’s a really shitty thing to have to think about and plan for just in case.  
  None of this is written to seek pity. This is not a blog of boohoo. Do not feel sorry for me, just understand the position I’m in with my beloved activities taken from me, possibly the future of my job and health issues going forward. This was and is still scary for me. I’m processing through it all but it mostly sucks and I’m not going to fake it till I make it with the mindless positive platitudes. I’m going to stand up and deal with the issues as they come and keep a level head.  It’s what I have control over. 
  And now we come to the meat of things. 
  I lost my control.  I was no longer the master of my soul and I was raging on the inside at feeling so helpless over my own life; a life marked so iconically for its rugged individuality and independence. 
  Now I’m told I can’t do martial arts or even walk too far down my street?! 
  It was a humbling stretch, and worse to know how correct everyone was, still, didn’t make me feel one whit better about everything. 
  I was angry. I was frustrated. I was scared. I lost control over my own life and it was a miserable place to be. 
   Then I got word that my dad was back In The hospital and that did it for me. Something inside just snapped. I couldn’t really afford it and it didn’t seem to be the right time for it but  I just said ‘fuck it’ (as I do) and went to be with my pops who I hadn’t seen for over two years. 
 The trip was tough but I was able to see and reconnect with extremely important people in my life that I had been told I wasn’t allowed to for so long. 
  In essence, I wrestled back some semblance of control of my own destiny. That trip has restored my equilibrium and balance of calm to my life.  Is everything better? Haha nope.  Not even in the same province as better but I have some control again; over my life, my recovery plan and workout routines now that I’m allowed to slowly start them up. Paiiiinfully slow but still, I’ll take the win. Control over my attitude towards these hard realities and possible new roads in my life. 
  The time alone on my trip helped me clarify one irrefutable fact amidst my struggle and anger and sadness…
 I’m still alive to feel these things and I owe it to myself and everyone around me who has supported me unflappably all the way through, to make the right choices. I choose to look at the positives in these bad situations and when there are simply no positives to find then I will calmly accept what is in front of me. I can control my attitude. That’s a damn good start. 
…
As for my recovery, as hinted above, my doc has green lit me to start very light cardio workouts. Soooo. This weeks big agenda is walking every day to get my body warmed up and acclimated to working out. 3000+ steps minimum and I’ve been over achieving already these past four days. My body will remind me not to be a pretentious asshole tomorrow morning, I assure you.  Beyond that, cough still lingers but less so, still dizzy and awful sleeping patterns, body aches and weird fatigue at weird times. Also the dumb brain fog, the most annoying side effect ever. 
  So yeah, I’m not 100% but I’m far removed from the guy who couldnt say three words without coughing myself stupid just three short (super long) months ago. 
  On a few meds for the blood clots and the lungs and off work for awhile yet, sadly. I really want to be back at it, crazy as that may seem to some.  I love the dynamic environment and looking forward to the satisfaction of doing a hard days work. I’ve missed that. But also, I’m not pushing too soon for it either. I want to be ready for work and my health to be good. I can’t afford to unravel the good stuff I’ve painstakingly built so slowly over these past months. 
  Still alive, still posting. Hoping you are well and safe, gentle reader. 

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