The Brink of Life and living with it
Life is a crazy ride, I think we can all agree on that fact at some level or another. For some it’s more plateau than peaks and valleys, for others... it’s the ‘you must be this tall to ride’ roller coaster of ups and downs and screams of delight and terror. Or both. At the same time.
This past year and change has taught me a lot about who and what I am as a person; likes, dislikes, who I want in my life and who can be left to drift and that’s ok.
I’ve dealt with a lot of pain of the loss of friends too soon and Cancer, with it’s ever present black claw grabbing mercilessly at any and everyone it can... it’s been overwhelming at moments.
Even now as I write this, I know what I’m doing here. I’m skirting the big issue that I’m forced to face. It’s a big issue amidst many big issues but for right now it has encompassed all of my spare moments of thought and energy.
I’m skirting again because I don’t know if I can actually write it into words and post for the world to see and witness through my words...
I’m working a new job. A crazy new career that was never part of the plan but somehow here I am. In this moment and time in my life, I am a train conductor. Whether I pass my final qualifications or not remains to be seen but it’s been a fun ride and really interesting, surprisingly. Very challenging for timings and my ability to think whilst dead tired in the middle of the night as I walk two kilometres down my train to find a potential problem and keep an eye out for bears and wolves.
It’s not easy but it’s exciting. Dangerous jobs keep you engaged and focused.... or else you lose a limb or your life. I thrive in that environment and this has been an exhilarating time. Hard, ooooh so hard... but good.
*widely circling the main issue*
I lost my job in November. No room for me after I had to make an emergency visit to the east coast to be with my dad *tighter circles now*
I came back from that hard time to no job even though I had been given the blessing from my employer. It was a shit move and even though a part of me was furious, mostly I was just sad and annoyed at my new reality sans income. EI took a few months to start helping me out so financially life got hard for me. Very hard.
Look at me! Telling the world about my money problems!
I don’t care. I learned this year that this... the financials.. it really doesn’t matter. Really. Not much at all, but society and consumerism drills it into us to buy into their stupid game. *wider circles again*
My dad is battling something big and ugly and awful. He has been the complete Dad; ‘awww I’m fine, feeling great!’ Even as the chemo is kicking his ass... he very quickly taught me a massive lesson about importance. *now we are in the eye of it all*
Family. Friends. Relationships. These things matter. Life truly is too short and anything can happen on any given day so enjoy it. I have been telling the people that matter in my life how important they are to me, I have mended fences with people I love and respect but stupid pride wouldn’t allow the hand of friendship to be opened from the fist of pride.
I’ve met new friends in training and a few have impressed me with their earnest and open ways. Such a blessing in a plastic world where your stuff matters more than your heart. Where showing everyone how great your life is online is more important than the critically sorrowful spirit underneath, struggling to survive another hard day.
I’ve been forced to rely on my friends and family in amazingly hard and humbling ways for the first time in my adult life. I’m a proud man. I’m independent and have made it a point of pride that I do things with no help from anyone. All the things I own are from my own work and efforts.
One phone call with my dad has single handedly shredded that foolish way of being. I’m more open to forgive, less open to expectation. Building relationships with my brother and a good friend I disengaged from because of our shared work environment. Stupid pride. Wasted time with quality influences in my life.
No regrets. Just lessons to learn and grow from. If my dad can smile through gritted teeth and pretend everything is well so his wayward boy doesn’t over stress about him, then I can hug it out with my brother and build a bridge to a better future. I choose love. My dad taught me that.
He taught me that it’s ok to hurt. It’s ok but don’t be too proud either, reach out for help because it’s a stronger person who asks for help than who silently disintegrates alone.
Even now, I fight back the watery eyes (it’s difficult to write this on my phone with blurred vision). I’ve opened myself up to some very special people in my life. It’s scary and difficult and honestly, I’m still not being fully forth coming right now... but it’s enough to know that the woman and the friends and family that are my support network... I could win ten lotteries and never be this lucky. I’d trade it all in for what I’ve been given.
And anyone who says God doesn’t exist... you haven’t been as lucky as I have to see His/Her face in these people who hold me when I’m sobbing, guide me when I’m angry and weak, be present when I’m scared.
And I shit you not. I’m more scared right now than I have been in a very long time.
My dad taught me to rely on my people. I honour his wisdom by doing exactly that.
And always to love.
Is this hokey and emotional and smarmy..?
I dont actually give a fuck what you may think about it. Heed the lessons and live a better and more open life, for your own sake. It’s harder but life is so much better.
Thank you too, loyal reader,for always coming back to check in with my random rambling. Be well.
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