If Ryan did comedy...
This could be how it goes....
So I went on an online dating site recently... yeah... one of THOSE assholes....and I'm reading all these profiles and they all say the same fuckin thing "I want a nice guy who is stable and funny and loooooves to laugh"
They all seem to say this, and you know, Im not some ultra hunk, and Im totally cool with that, cuz really, who needs THAT stigma.... or as I like to call it, the Fabio-ism.
Anyway, These profiles all say the same things right? I love to laugh, I love music, I love summer and patios and getting my hair did or some other shit....but they also say "I'm tired of the bar scene, so I thought I'd try this out"
... That...is HORSESHIT!
It's the exact.same.thing!!
See, these girls all SAY they want a nice and stable guy, but these are the same classy dames who end up gettin shagged in the backseat by Fabio and his ugly younger brother who cant get laid without him...
So I'm on these damned sites... and I start trying to be funny and nice and just like..not creepy because so many of us guys seem to lose about 80 IQ points as soon as they plug into the ole interwebz...
I dunno, maybe its just that crazy disconnect, but guys just start doin stupid shit online..."I'm gonna send you pics of my hammer! Oh yeah baby... no no.. it IS there..!!" And like some shy little turtle, the dudes cock head is pokin out from underneath these flabs of gunty goodness... yeah guys.. sexy time. Chicks DIG that shit! Or so Penthouse articles would have us believe (yeah thats right.. I read it for the articles, and look where it gets me).
So anyway.. Im trying to be me, but not creepy..so basically Im totally lying and hoping my own creepiness doesnt come out.. but it doesnt matter because all these girls end up with the guys who have pictures with no shirts and 14 abs...like they borrowed their buddies abs and threw em on their own stomach to help get noticed...
Fuckin ridiculous.
Yeah... Well I try to attract some attention and it doesnt work because just like the bar.. these girls end up fawning all over the Fabios and the rest of us, just like at the bar, get fucked by the fat chick.
Not that I'm really looking for anything either. Thats the funny thing...I am HAPPY being single.. I really like this shit... no one to answer to, walking around naked all the friggin time, and the best part....Quiet. Peace...and quiet. Why would I, in my right mind, give that shit up?!?
Apparently I would, so Im surfing these damned sites... and to be honest, I AM ready to settle down and spawn some itty bitty hellion that sorta looks like me and maybe acts a little like me...on second thought, maybe the baby batter can stay in the creamery.
Seriously though, if I made a baby it would be some half demon, black hearted AntiChrist...if I was lucky! And an Asshole! I can guarantee that any kid I have will spend all its time..yes ITS time, cuz chances are it would have both parts or some other fucked up thing..and it would spend every waking hour crying and then when I ran to help it with food, shelter, clothing, love, nurturing, advice, or whatever.. it would piss right in my mouth! Precision accuracy.
My child...will LIVE for that...and just laaauuuugh. Fuckin assholes!
I see so many parents who are just run ragged and I think... man I feel bad for them, because kids are long stretch in pergatory..oh sure they're cute..they have to be, because seriously, we would just kill em otherwise....Screaming and shitting and puking and pissing and throwing shit and keeping you up all hours of the day and night and always just draining everything... like a tiny little vacuum cleaner...or Paris Hilton...
I'd love to have a child and raise it and just see how much of my personality comes out...but I swear to God...I fear. Ooooh how I fear it would actually be like me... because the last thing we need is a carbon copy of me out there...
Chances are this baby would come screeching out of the poor unfortunate womans vag that made the huge error in procreating with ME of all people....but that baby would fly outta there like a bat out of hell, probably on a little GT Snow Racer that s on fire, with maybe some fireworks exploding from my partners unfortunate asshole while she wails and realizes the Pandoras Vag we have opened and cant close again....
Fuuuuck. But really, I have to make some kids soon... who the hells going to look after me when I get old and shitty and angry at the world...pooping my diapers and giggling like a little girl as I walk through the mall stinkin up shops and pretending I dont know whats goin on... hahah. oh man, Im going to LOVE being old!
But not like CRAZY old... because you KNOW you're too old to live when you do dumbshit stuff like "Ohhh I forgot which pedal was the gas and which was brakes" - This ACTUAL quote from an 86 year old Doctor in California who plowed into a farmers market and killed and injured over 100 people.
I saw that movie... The mummy returns.. and yeah, It really doesnt end well for anyone. Fuck... I got confused. Hah.. I forgot which pedal...
Let me try that the next time I get pulled over by the police, see how far that takes me... probably about as far as they can drag me from my car and tase the everloving shit outta me...
Well... at least then I'll have a valid excuse for shitting myself.
----
This complete bit of standup just sort of dropped itself into my mind as I was showering earlier... for some reason I just started laughing at my own fuckin witty shit.. and maybe its not funny until its physically performed.. the nuances and voices in my head maybe will make it sound better...but overall I like it, and will keep it up here. This is not my personal view on things.. its just some funny shit that was in my mind.... yeah... disclaimer the shit outta that :-)
So I went on an online dating site recently... yeah... one of THOSE assholes....and I'm reading all these profiles and they all say the same fuckin thing "I want a nice guy who is stable and funny and loooooves to laugh"
They all seem to say this, and you know, Im not some ultra hunk, and Im totally cool with that, cuz really, who needs THAT stigma.... or as I like to call it, the Fabio-ism.
Anyway, These profiles all say the same things right? I love to laugh, I love music, I love summer and patios and getting my hair did or some other shit....but they also say "I'm tired of the bar scene, so I thought I'd try this out"
... That...is HORSESHIT!
It's the exact.same.thing!!
See, these girls all SAY they want a nice and stable guy, but these are the same classy dames who end up gettin shagged in the backseat by Fabio and his ugly younger brother who cant get laid without him...
So I'm on these damned sites... and I start trying to be funny and nice and just like..not creepy because so many of us guys seem to lose about 80 IQ points as soon as they plug into the ole interwebz...
I dunno, maybe its just that crazy disconnect, but guys just start doin stupid shit online..."I'm gonna send you pics of my hammer! Oh yeah baby... no no.. it IS there..!!" And like some shy little turtle, the dudes cock head is pokin out from underneath these flabs of gunty goodness... yeah guys.. sexy time. Chicks DIG that shit! Or so Penthouse articles would have us believe (yeah thats right.. I read it for the articles, and look where it gets me).
So anyway.. Im trying to be me, but not creepy..so basically Im totally lying and hoping my own creepiness doesnt come out.. but it doesnt matter because all these girls end up with the guys who have pictures with no shirts and 14 abs...like they borrowed their buddies abs and threw em on their own stomach to help get noticed...
Fuckin ridiculous.
Yeah... Well I try to attract some attention and it doesnt work because just like the bar.. these girls end up fawning all over the Fabios and the rest of us, just like at the bar, get fucked by the fat chick.
Not that I'm really looking for anything either. Thats the funny thing...I am HAPPY being single.. I really like this shit... no one to answer to, walking around naked all the friggin time, and the best part....Quiet. Peace...and quiet. Why would I, in my right mind, give that shit up?!?
Apparently I would, so Im surfing these damned sites... and to be honest, I AM ready to settle down and spawn some itty bitty hellion that sorta looks like me and maybe acts a little like me...on second thought, maybe the baby batter can stay in the creamery.
Seriously though, if I made a baby it would be some half demon, black hearted AntiChrist...if I was lucky! And an Asshole! I can guarantee that any kid I have will spend all its time..yes ITS time, cuz chances are it would have both parts or some other fucked up thing..and it would spend every waking hour crying and then when I ran to help it with food, shelter, clothing, love, nurturing, advice, or whatever.. it would piss right in my mouth! Precision accuracy.
My child...will LIVE for that...and just laaauuuugh. Fuckin assholes!
I see so many parents who are just run ragged and I think... man I feel bad for them, because kids are long stretch in pergatory..oh sure they're cute..they have to be, because seriously, we would just kill em otherwise....Screaming and shitting and puking and pissing and throwing shit and keeping you up all hours of the day and night and always just draining everything... like a tiny little vacuum cleaner...or Paris Hilton...
I'd love to have a child and raise it and just see how much of my personality comes out...but I swear to God...I fear. Ooooh how I fear it would actually be like me... because the last thing we need is a carbon copy of me out there...
Chances are this baby would come screeching out of the poor unfortunate womans vag that made the huge error in procreating with ME of all people....but that baby would fly outta there like a bat out of hell, probably on a little GT Snow Racer that s on fire, with maybe some fireworks exploding from my partners unfortunate asshole while she wails and realizes the Pandoras Vag we have opened and cant close again....
Fuuuuck. But really, I have to make some kids soon... who the hells going to look after me when I get old and shitty and angry at the world...pooping my diapers and giggling like a little girl as I walk through the mall stinkin up shops and pretending I dont know whats goin on... hahah. oh man, Im going to LOVE being old!
But not like CRAZY old... because you KNOW you're too old to live when you do dumbshit stuff like "Ohhh I forgot which pedal was the gas and which was brakes" - This ACTUAL quote from an 86 year old Doctor in California who plowed into a farmers market and killed and injured over 100 people.
I saw that movie... The mummy returns.. and yeah, It really doesnt end well for anyone. Fuck... I got confused. Hah.. I forgot which pedal...
Let me try that the next time I get pulled over by the police, see how far that takes me... probably about as far as they can drag me from my car and tase the everloving shit outta me...
Well... at least then I'll have a valid excuse for shitting myself.
----
This complete bit of standup just sort of dropped itself into my mind as I was showering earlier... for some reason I just started laughing at my own fuckin witty shit.. and maybe its not funny until its physically performed.. the nuances and voices in my head maybe will make it sound better...but overall I like it, and will keep it up here. This is not my personal view on things.. its just some funny shit that was in my mind.... yeah... disclaimer the shit outta that :-)
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