What I am watching...
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/passionateeyeshowcase/2011/spermtrade/
Tonight my plans were all thwarted. Hunkering down in my apartment to avoid the winter winds and brutally cold weather, I figured..."It's Sunday, what better time to watch some movies, play some video games and just relax after an insane week?"
Well, none of that happened. My vids are glitching, most of the movies sucked and didn't get more than a few minutes in before I disgustedly deleted them from the computer, and even my books are not holding my attention...which reminds me, I need to find a new book to read.
I digress...
So I start watching TV and realize that having over two hundred channels really is a waste of money...until I get to good ole CBC! Usually what I watch first thing in the morning for the weather/time/news all in one audio-visual mishmash, catering to the A.D.D. in everyone.
Anyway, I started watching the show I linked in at the top of the blog. It's funny how you can connect to something so disconnected from you.
I only met my Dad when I was 16, and alot of the same struggles, dreams, wonderment, and curiosity that is documented in the show are the same things I had wrestled with on a very regular basis as I grew up.
I didn't grow up in a very nurturing environment and really had no illusions of what my Dad was like. I figured, "if he could leave us with a loony like our mom, then he must have been a jerk"...and thats about as far as it went, until I met him.
So many first's that spring, for me. The terror of my first flight anywhere, the trauma of meeting so many new people who liked to hug and kiss and drop the dreaded "L" word.
You see, I grew up in isolation of any real affection. I can recall on one hand how many times my mom said she loved me, and still have fingers to wiggle.
It's just how it was, I suppose. My life was a strange one, and often I would wonder where I got things from, like my Humor. My mom...probably the most humorless person I have or ever will know. Awkward would be about as close a description as I can make.
I often thought about that one, most notably. My humor is a strong and prevalent part of me. So is my love of music, writing, and the inherent intelligence.
That last one bugs me, because both my parents have never struck me as being particularly smart. Just lucky?
As time has rolled inexorably onward, I have formed very strong bonds to my Dad, step mum, and my beloved 'half-sibs' Who, in reality are my brothers and sister, as much as my older brother and sister are.
Mannerisms, looks, interests, hobbies... so eerily similar. It's scary to think that genetics, pure and simple, can be why I am funny, why I am moody sometimes, why I am smart, or dumb, why anyone says and does the things they do.
No to deflect responsibility for ones actions... but the reality is that I DO love playing guitar, so does my younger brother (Half sib). We both taught ourselves how to play, and roughly around the same times.
I love martial arts, and my youngest sibling, she is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, what I have been passionate about for years. I didn't know any of this from them...we all sort of ...grew into it.
I always felt alone. As a kid without a Dad, you can ignore it..but you always need to know who your real Dad is... just like in the Show, these kids had to know the bio-parents. We are encoded with it.
I write. I do so out of love.... I always had a knack for writing, and I suppose I always will be okay at it. I guess it's no surprise (It wasnt for me anyway) that Dad tried writing Harlequin Romance Novels. Hehe.. I am truly glad he failed at it... I just couldnt bear that knowledge. I love the guy, but I can only stretch so far, heh.
Genetics... After not speaking with my eldest brother for many years, we started speaking again...and oddly we both wanted the same type of tattoo in the same spot on our bodies...and had never spoken to one another about it... Although he and I have always been exceptionally close. We even downloaded the same ring tone, Star Wars Imperial March, and found out accidentally. It's funny how tied in to your siblings you can be. My sister and I, arguably the closest of siblings, 18 months age difference, and the two who managed to stay closest... our bond is that of twins. We know eachothers thoughts, we think alot alike, finish sentences often, sometimes we share dreams. It's eerie, as I have typed before.
But that isn't a bad thing. To be so connected to a few people so tightly knit... It's not a bad thing at all. You can pick up where you left off, even after years. I even have a best friend I can get away with that lind of relationship..but that comes with knowing each other since we were four years old.
These are good relationships to be tied into. An anchor in the storm of life, I suppose.
I am glad I know my Dad. To go through life without at least meeting him would have left a very deep hole in me. Watching this documentary just reminded me of that journey that I took, and how the call to find the family will always be there. It was a good thing to watch.
Tonight my plans were all thwarted. Hunkering down in my apartment to avoid the winter winds and brutally cold weather, I figured..."It's Sunday, what better time to watch some movies, play some video games and just relax after an insane week?"
Well, none of that happened. My vids are glitching, most of the movies sucked and didn't get more than a few minutes in before I disgustedly deleted them from the computer, and even my books are not holding my attention...which reminds me, I need to find a new book to read.
I digress...
So I start watching TV and realize that having over two hundred channels really is a waste of money...until I get to good ole CBC! Usually what I watch first thing in the morning for the weather/time/news all in one audio-visual mishmash, catering to the A.D.D. in everyone.
Anyway, I started watching the show I linked in at the top of the blog. It's funny how you can connect to something so disconnected from you.
I only met my Dad when I was 16, and alot of the same struggles, dreams, wonderment, and curiosity that is documented in the show are the same things I had wrestled with on a very regular basis as I grew up.
I didn't grow up in a very nurturing environment and really had no illusions of what my Dad was like. I figured, "if he could leave us with a loony like our mom, then he must have been a jerk"...and thats about as far as it went, until I met him.
So many first's that spring, for me. The terror of my first flight anywhere, the trauma of meeting so many new people who liked to hug and kiss and drop the dreaded "L" word.
You see, I grew up in isolation of any real affection. I can recall on one hand how many times my mom said she loved me, and still have fingers to wiggle.
It's just how it was, I suppose. My life was a strange one, and often I would wonder where I got things from, like my Humor. My mom...probably the most humorless person I have or ever will know. Awkward would be about as close a description as I can make.
I often thought about that one, most notably. My humor is a strong and prevalent part of me. So is my love of music, writing, and the inherent intelligence.
That last one bugs me, because both my parents have never struck me as being particularly smart. Just lucky?
As time has rolled inexorably onward, I have formed very strong bonds to my Dad, step mum, and my beloved 'half-sibs' Who, in reality are my brothers and sister, as much as my older brother and sister are.
Mannerisms, looks, interests, hobbies... so eerily similar. It's scary to think that genetics, pure and simple, can be why I am funny, why I am moody sometimes, why I am smart, or dumb, why anyone says and does the things they do.
No to deflect responsibility for ones actions... but the reality is that I DO love playing guitar, so does my younger brother (Half sib). We both taught ourselves how to play, and roughly around the same times.
I love martial arts, and my youngest sibling, she is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, what I have been passionate about for years. I didn't know any of this from them...we all sort of ...grew into it.
I always felt alone. As a kid without a Dad, you can ignore it..but you always need to know who your real Dad is... just like in the Show, these kids had to know the bio-parents. We are encoded with it.
I write. I do so out of love.... I always had a knack for writing, and I suppose I always will be okay at it. I guess it's no surprise (It wasnt for me anyway) that Dad tried writing Harlequin Romance Novels. Hehe.. I am truly glad he failed at it... I just couldnt bear that knowledge. I love the guy, but I can only stretch so far, heh.
Genetics... After not speaking with my eldest brother for many years, we started speaking again...and oddly we both wanted the same type of tattoo in the same spot on our bodies...and had never spoken to one another about it... Although he and I have always been exceptionally close. We even downloaded the same ring tone, Star Wars Imperial March, and found out accidentally. It's funny how tied in to your siblings you can be. My sister and I, arguably the closest of siblings, 18 months age difference, and the two who managed to stay closest... our bond is that of twins. We know eachothers thoughts, we think alot alike, finish sentences often, sometimes we share dreams. It's eerie, as I have typed before.
But that isn't a bad thing. To be so connected to a few people so tightly knit... It's not a bad thing at all. You can pick up where you left off, even after years. I even have a best friend I can get away with that lind of relationship..but that comes with knowing each other since we were four years old.
These are good relationships to be tied into. An anchor in the storm of life, I suppose.
I am glad I know my Dad. To go through life without at least meeting him would have left a very deep hole in me. Watching this documentary just reminded me of that journey that I took, and how the call to find the family will always be there. It was a good thing to watch.
Comments