Hiding it....

  It seems that there is this perverse need amongst my female friends to set me up and inevitably I cringe at this fantastic of statements; "I've got JUST the girl for you!"
  I understand what they are doing. Words like distraction, moving on, good times, fresh start, all end up in these conversations somewhere.  I appreciate what they are trying to do for me.  Really I do, but I just don't feel up for that sort of thing right now.  When I'm ready, I think I can find myself another future break up all on my own. I seem to be doing a bang up job 32 years into it....Finding them was never a big problem..... heh, it's the keeping part that seems to elude me.
  I took a friend out for coffee, and sadly she is splitting up with her partner after 9 years and a daughter together.... I gave her my advice, I told her what was good and bad about her situation, and I listened to her heartache.  The other person not changing their attitudes after expressing repeatedly that they will or wanted to... it struck a little too close to home.
  My friend looked at me as I drove, and said she hated to see that pain in my eyes.  She tried to get some details out of me, but I just brought it back to her... I'd rather help her with her problems than be reminded of the futility of my relational situation.
  All over the place I see long term relationships falling apart.  It bums me out, to be honest.  I need to see a shining example of a healthy and working relationship, something I can use and emulate and brag about and have hope in.  So far it seems that I am struggling to find it.
  Meh, I suppose it's out there, but I am ok with not being inclusive of this apparently very exclusive group of people.
  


 Been listening alot to a band, Trapt. Rather enjoying some of their music like Black Rose, Wasteland, Whos going home with you tonight, and a few others.  Worth looking into.... or not. Whatever *shrug*


  I wonder if she has moved on. If she thinks about me at all. If she is trying to change or making any efforts for an 'us'.  I wonder if I'm all alone in this, as it has seemed on so many lonely nights. I wonder if she ever bothered to read this or if she is now.  I wonder if she really even cared.


  So many questions, and so few answers.  It sucks.  


Shit.  Another 'poor me' blog.  I guess I'm just not done grieving.  The constant reminders are ruthlessly sharp and painful.  The friends with questions or snide remarks.... the one friend who wrote Poor widdle baby waby on MSN. Until I told her how serious we had been...then she apologized.  But fuck.... it sucks.


  And if she IS reading this... once again it would be me giving, her taking, and her getting info and giving none.  But hey, par for the course right?


   Fuck I hate being Emo.  I hate feeling this way. I hate that I was foolish enough to put myself in this position one last time.  Only have myself to blame I guess. 

   With a resigned sigh, I am off to bed.




Happy Easter everyone.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spin the globe and see where you land

      Funny the difference a season can make.  My last post at the end of Spring had me gearing up for an epic European backpacking trip.  Rome, Naples, Procida Island, Bolzano, and various other stops in Italy before swinging up to Poland to visit with a friend there after staying with a gracious and patient friend in Italy.  Wroclaw was special to see for the historical side of things but more importantly to me, it was the birthplace of my dear friend Margaret.  Slawek, her brother, and I would travel the streets of their youth that they had told me all about over the course of decades... it brought Maggie back a little bit, for a short while.  A special end to a pretty special trip.  Definitely had some bittersweet moments as well but the glory of the Roman ruins, the awe inspiring mountains of the Dolomites, to the excitement of hiking up a winding hillside through dense brush and tree cover to behold the ruins of old castles, meticu...
Read more

Blogwork is Homework is Good Work

 Hello, Gentle Reader,    This blog has always been my way of sharpening my writing chops, or shaking off the rust of my laziness and trying to find my 'voice', as it were, online.  I know, Gentle Reader, that you often do not give feedback, and thats ok.  This space isn't meant as an ego-reach and any and all feedback regarding my posts is appreciated, often more than you might guess, but thats not why I write here.     Most of my drive and reasoning is the simple act of it.  Writing is healthy for the soul and great practice more than anything else, the more practice you put in, the better at it you get... or at least that's what I keep incessantly telling myself, forever hopeful that I am in fact getting 'better' as a writer, whatever that actually means.  I suppose my ability to project my voice comes down to you, Gentle Reader.  I hope you hear me and I am able to project the visuals and a sense of where I am, figuratively as w...
Read more

Fuck this place, I’m out…

I grew up poor.  Really poor. To steal a line from Chris Rock, we grew up so poor we couldn’t afford the O R at the end of the word, we were just PO. hahaha. Still accurate. But my childhood poverty isn’t the point of this post. I mention it because growing up I had to watch all my friends going on family vacations to Disneyland and the Phillipines and Mexico and wherever their families were in the world while I roamed my asphalt jungle like a half wild animal in a cage.   I always vowed that I would see the world someday. It was a fervent childhood promise full of idealism and hope, as only a child can conjure.   In my heartbreak of being left behind and alone to fend for myself all summer, I knew, in my bones…I just KNEW… I’d go out there and see the world some day. Even as those bitter tears streamed down my little cheeks, the fire to see the world, the one I only ever read about in books, burned deep in my soul.  … … … Fast forward a few decades.  I’ve ...
Read more