Mourning Loss

I have learned the hard way in life that grief, true sorrow, comes in waves. Some moments will seem lucid and you can forget the present reality, and other moments are so heavy that the blood rushes into your ears and you cant hear anything except the echoes of lost conversations, moments now trapped in the past, like a fly in a spiders snare.
Moments like those, I lose perspective, and sometimes I lose sense of my surroundings. Not so smart in my line of work, but you cant control it, it just is..and happens, and you have to let it scour away at your whole being, from shallow basic feelings, to deepest felt senses and intuitions.
The harsh glare of this reality burns into every fibre of your being, and nothing else seems to matter.
Those moments are the hardest for me. I have never been a master of my emotions, not by a country mile, but to at least deal with them...you know... later. Always later...thats the goal, the hope...the need.
In the meantime, that harsh spotlight of pain slashes and gouges and burns its way through my soul, searing all it touches, allowing no peace.

I can only hope for the wave to recede, to breathe again, if for only a short while till, like a birthing pain, the souls contractions hit me in the guts and send me reeling once more, grasping for some sort of hope.

Its easy in moments such as these for your head to step in and dictate the rules of the game while your heart and spirit are weak. I can justify why I have ended it, I can list off all the reasons and the eventuality of it, what was being robbed of me over time, and how unfair it was in a situation I had worked so bloody hard to make work...
Yeah, I can logic the shit out of it...but the wave still comes back as strong as ever, battering down my flimsy defenses, allowing me no peace, no rest.... just a gray outlook. A bleak future... a letting go of the hope filled future that was so close, but too far.

Once more, I am left at the whims of someone elses decisions. I cant control others or what they want or how they go about things, and at the end of the day I am left with only my own choices to make.
I am hurting pretty deeply today. There is no doubt about that, and I really wish it were otherwise... that it didnt have to come to this, that a happy medium, some compromise could be gotten.
It didnt, and there isnt one. I take the coldest comfort in knowing that I worked my ass off for this, for her, and the "us" just never really appeared. 50/50. Not 70/30 or even 55/45 .

Being right doesnt keep the pain away either.

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