A Bachelors Blog

...is hard to do. Unless it's court ordered.  God, even my humor has gone black.   In a romantic comedy, the pining and desiring, and crazy gestures would go along with a nice soundtrack and the proper words and cute scripting. This is not that. In reality, its akin to stalking at worst, or at best, an annoying nuisance reminder of something failed.   Do I hold on and hope for something to change?  Do I cut loose and nurse the hurts and just try not to look back?   Im stuck.  So bloody stuck.  And in the meantime, the old dreams refuse to die. The future that is no longer a future still sticks bright in my mind.   I feel powerless to move.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTXA_q12hKg Frightened Rabbit. Scottish band. Not too shabby

  It's time to talk about options.  Choices and decisions set forth for oneself in an attempt at the illusion of self control.   So here goes - -School. Take some writing/English courses... aim for that Journalism profession out in Toronto. -Change career paths from my current tradeswork.  Find something paying more, maybe a new angle and approach to life to help me along. -Stay the course. Keep plugging away at my job, my life, my very truthfully depressing reality at the moment. (I know that come summer time, things will be looking up, but that's a long view to be seeing when tomorrow is going to kick my ass, and the day after, and then after that...etc etc) -Things get a bit farther afield, figuratively and in reality from here. Move out West. Spend time with family out in BC and just recharge, work, maybe change my life in a visceral way.  Would need a job to be waiting for me out there..not that adventurous. -Move to Europe and work out there. A lo...

...and sometimes, waking up is the hardest thing to do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj4b5rRDy00

I have learned the hard way in life that grief, true sorrow, comes in waves. Some moments will seem lucid and you can forget the present reality, and other moments are so heavy that the blood rushes into your ears and you cant hear anything except the echoes of lost conversations, moments now trapped in the past, like a fly in a spiders snare. Moments like those, I lose perspective, and sometimes I lose sense of my surroundings. Not so smart in my line of work, but you cant control it, it just is..and happens, and you have to let it scour away at your whole being, from shallow basic feelings, to deepest felt senses and intuitions. The harsh glare of this reality burns into every fibre of your being, and nothing else seems to matter. Those moments are the hardest for me. I have never been a master of my emotions, not by a country mile, but to at least deal with them...you know... later. Always later...thats the goal, the hope...the need. In the meantime, that harsh spotlight ...

"I will scream my lungs out... just to fill the room. How much difference does it make?"