Death....is crap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKaek5Oimf0
I always hated Autumn. Ever since I was just a little guy, running around with a hand full of G I Joes and enough sugar in my blood to down a small horse... it was never my season. The fact of watching the trees turn colors...beautiful shades of orange and red, molten and dazzling, never did manage to hide the fact that death was approaching, albeit in a dizzying display of natural beauty and wonder. I knew, and I still know, that death lurks behind that pretty mask.
I refuse to accept your colorful gift, world. It is dying. And when the brisk and refreshing air fills my lungs early in the morning, waking me up... I will turn away your tricksy and heady drink.... It brings death.
I know its coming, and everything is dying. I can manage winter a lot better; everything has settled into this quiet hibernation and the cold will not bring any further surprises, but Autumn always seems to tease with the faint hope of a few more warm days, or a hint at the summer now lost, and slowly the colors bleed, and the wind picks up.
I have attended 6 funerals. All but one of them were in Autumn or Winter (Usually early - December/January). I have one more to add to this sad list and as ever, I dread it. Not because it will be emotional, and hard, and the usual mortality issues are bound to resurface, causing us to look back on our lives... but because its cold, and I dont want to get sick.
Standing in front of a casket being lowered in the cold sucks. It seeps the sorrow out of you, forcing you to feel uncomfortable and squirm in your under dressed funereal garb. Your mind starts to wander to thoughts of a hot chocolate or getting to the warm car as soon as is decent... not to the last thoughts of your beloved friend or family member, not to the good byes that are set aside for this moment, this last fleeting glimpse of someone important enough to warrant braving this ridiculous weather.
Sunday I have to bury a friend. Not sure what it all entails, but of course the weather will suck, and I will dress for it as best as I can, but standing in the drizzly Autumn weather, gusts pulling at my clothes, no breaks on the windswept plot of dead grass and deader piles of leaves... I will stop thinking of how Stefan and I would sit and watch tv in a semi coma, with our cat Rufus sitting up like a human being between us, paws in his lap, mimicking us perfectly....
I used to call us Beavis and Butthead back then.
I wont be thinking about sitting in front of his big screen with some beers last year and putting up with his endless diatribe on my character, trying to piss me off with shit talk as I quietly kicked his ass in video games he thought he had mastered.
No. I will be thinking about my toes losing the feeling in them, and the drippy nose I am starting to get... where there may be a bathroom nearby because the ceaseless dripping of rain is making my bladder ache and shout to be noticed.
I wont think of the Chair battles we would have at the office, and him teaching me how to 'beat the RBC system' with good ole DOS and some nifty know how. Naw... Ill be thinking of the heater in my car and how long it will take before I get feeling in my last two fingers of my hands, as they always go numb on me first.
I want to remember my friend this weekend, one last time, with true clarity and amongst many others who care for and will miss him. It wont happen again. I know, I know, I will always carry his memory, and I am well aware and grateful...but this time is significant. Its our last possible opportunity to get closure and a hope for some peace at the passing of someone who is... was... too young to die.
So I dont like Autumn. It reminds me every year of the death that stalks us all, of the memory of burying people that I loved so much it breaks my heart, even still. I dont and wont see the pretty colors... because much like at a funeral, that nice suit, and the fancy limo and all the dressed up folks... they are all just smoke and mirrors to the reality of the moment. My friend is dead and there will be no more memories. No more laughing, love, dreams, arguments, shit talking, drinking games, wet willies, quiet support, or constant ragging.
Death is crap. It takes and takes, the great equalizer. But even death could pick a little bit better time of year to take my friend from me.
Death is an asshole..... and thats all I have to say about that.
Rest In Peace Stefan...... we will miss you. We already do.
I always hated Autumn. Ever since I was just a little guy, running around with a hand full of G I Joes and enough sugar in my blood to down a small horse... it was never my season. The fact of watching the trees turn colors...beautiful shades of orange and red, molten and dazzling, never did manage to hide the fact that death was approaching, albeit in a dizzying display of natural beauty and wonder. I knew, and I still know, that death lurks behind that pretty mask.
I refuse to accept your colorful gift, world. It is dying. And when the brisk and refreshing air fills my lungs early in the morning, waking me up... I will turn away your tricksy and heady drink.... It brings death.
I know its coming, and everything is dying. I can manage winter a lot better; everything has settled into this quiet hibernation and the cold will not bring any further surprises, but Autumn always seems to tease with the faint hope of a few more warm days, or a hint at the summer now lost, and slowly the colors bleed, and the wind picks up.
I have attended 6 funerals. All but one of them were in Autumn or Winter (Usually early - December/January). I have one more to add to this sad list and as ever, I dread it. Not because it will be emotional, and hard, and the usual mortality issues are bound to resurface, causing us to look back on our lives... but because its cold, and I dont want to get sick.
Standing in front of a casket being lowered in the cold sucks. It seeps the sorrow out of you, forcing you to feel uncomfortable and squirm in your under dressed funereal garb. Your mind starts to wander to thoughts of a hot chocolate or getting to the warm car as soon as is decent... not to the last thoughts of your beloved friend or family member, not to the good byes that are set aside for this moment, this last fleeting glimpse of someone important enough to warrant braving this ridiculous weather.
Sunday I have to bury a friend. Not sure what it all entails, but of course the weather will suck, and I will dress for it as best as I can, but standing in the drizzly Autumn weather, gusts pulling at my clothes, no breaks on the windswept plot of dead grass and deader piles of leaves... I will stop thinking of how Stefan and I would sit and watch tv in a semi coma, with our cat Rufus sitting up like a human being between us, paws in his lap, mimicking us perfectly....
I used to call us Beavis and Butthead back then.
I wont be thinking about sitting in front of his big screen with some beers last year and putting up with his endless diatribe on my character, trying to piss me off with shit talk as I quietly kicked his ass in video games he thought he had mastered.
No. I will be thinking about my toes losing the feeling in them, and the drippy nose I am starting to get... where there may be a bathroom nearby because the ceaseless dripping of rain is making my bladder ache and shout to be noticed.
I wont think of the Chair battles we would have at the office, and him teaching me how to 'beat the RBC system' with good ole DOS and some nifty know how. Naw... Ill be thinking of the heater in my car and how long it will take before I get feeling in my last two fingers of my hands, as they always go numb on me first.
I want to remember my friend this weekend, one last time, with true clarity and amongst many others who care for and will miss him. It wont happen again. I know, I know, I will always carry his memory, and I am well aware and grateful...but this time is significant. Its our last possible opportunity to get closure and a hope for some peace at the passing of someone who is... was... too young to die.
So I dont like Autumn. It reminds me every year of the death that stalks us all, of the memory of burying people that I loved so much it breaks my heart, even still. I dont and wont see the pretty colors... because much like at a funeral, that nice suit, and the fancy limo and all the dressed up folks... they are all just smoke and mirrors to the reality of the moment. My friend is dead and there will be no more memories. No more laughing, love, dreams, arguments, shit talking, drinking games, wet willies, quiet support, or constant ragging.
Death is crap. It takes and takes, the great equalizer. But even death could pick a little bit better time of year to take my friend from me.
Death is an asshole..... and thats all I have to say about that.
Rest In Peace Stefan...... we will miss you. We already do.
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