Some days....
....Are just fucking hard. There will be no skirting, shirking, dodging, hiding, or running from these days. They become a terrible vice clamped around your head and heart, squeezing relentlessly. You struggle and put on the brave face and hope it lets up sooner rather than later, and on those truly epic, monstrously awful days, that vice feels like the Hammer of God striking away at everything inside of you that means anything at all.
I won't bother telling you the list of 'bad things' that culminated into what seems to be this perfect storm of negative stuff in my life, swirling over my head with peals of thunder and heavy flashes of blue lightning...
Needless to say, I prepared for the storm, I just didn't expect it to last as long as it has. One can only take so much before the resistances, the inherent 'intestinal fortitude' drains like water through a sieve, and you are left cored out and empty.
Normally, I have a solid defense mechanism, in fact I have a number of them, to deal with lifes stresses and disappointments, but oddly enough, my defenses are being stripped from me, one by one...and it leaves me with the daunting task of dealing with my issues, heart laid bare, and no place to run.
I like to play guitar. It soothes me and makes my spirit calm when life slams into me like a car wreck. My guitar string snapped. First time I have ever broken a guitar string on my guitar. I have owned this thing for 8 years now? Almost? Something like that.... and it has helped me de-stress through some pretty rough times.
So, ok, fine, I can't use that to relax. I like to go for drives to clear my head, and especially enjoy a quiet place near the airport that will usually bring me peace.
My car didn't die... but it started to make some gawdawful noises and I have no money to fix it if it breaks. One more worry on top of the other forty seven 'urgent memos' in my minds Inbox all screaming for my full and undivided attention.
I went to my quiet place, and rarely, if ever, do other people visit this place. I pulled into the spot and started reading a book I am finding some sort of solace in (Po Bronsons "What Should I Do With My Life"). I started to relax a little and let the birdsong work its way into my subconscious stressball and loosen it a bit. The warm breezes with the earthy scents of rain were heavy in the air, lending urgency to the brackish clouds on the horizon, hinting at a storm brewing to the West. This was very nice and calming, like my mom stroking my hair when I was a little boy, making it feel as if everything were finally ok (Even if it happened to be a temporary illusion), then the 12 seater Van rolled up. Right. Beside. Me. So much for the view... the breezes now polluted with Ford exhaust, birds hushed by the heavy engine grumbling in idle for a few minutes as I angrily turned pages and made stink eyes at the interloper.
.... Then the second car came, boxing me in.
At this point I was done, and it was time to go home. Except I couldn't move. Sooooo I waitied out the blue car, read a chapter and finally headed back home, car rattling and vibrating ominously all the way.
I bought a 2 litre of Pepsi for some sugary goodness...somehow it disappeared from the store exit to my home. Can't figure it out, but all I wanted was to sit outside on the deck with a chilled glass of teeth rotting goodness, maybe try to do some more reading, who knows, a little bit of actual writing perhaps?!? It's an exciting life I lead, folks, make sure you don't try this shit at home!
So it's gone. It's not in the car, it's not anywhere in the house, it's not on the path to the house, it's just gone.
I went to go out to the deck for some reading with a cold glass of water (secretly eyeballing the chilled bottle of unopened wine and trying to jump the mental hurdles of how drunk I could get before having to be up for work the next morning), and as I headed to the door, I saw a massive flash, and the thunder rumbled loudly overhead, opening the floodgates and tearing it up with some fat and wet, very anti-deckreading, droplets of water.
All I could do was heave a toe curling sigh, close the door (Yes, I DID open it to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the fat water), slump my defeated shoulders, and head back to my room, to stare forlornly at my broken guitar.
One last thing happened to me tonight, but there is no mirth or dark humor to be found in it, so no details. End result is that my day ended terribly and I so wish I had been able to overcome it. From the bad dreams that woke me up, to the bad end...
Today, my soul took a beating unlike anything I have encountered in years. I'm trying to laugh it off. I'm trying to find my respite, some measure of peace, in the absolutely last de-stresser I have in my arsenal.
I write.
I do it for fun, I do it because I'm pretty good at it and it has always come naturally to me, I do it because it allows me to feel that I have control over situations where I have absolutely none. I do it so that people can understand that I'm a person too, and I can't always be strong... some days I am weak and I hurt and there's just nowhere to turn.
We all have those days. They are hard, believe me, I know. We get through them though, in any way that we possibly can, clawing desparately at a refuge in whatever form it takes for us.
I write. It's how I talk to the world. It's how I process. It's how I deal. I wish it were how I made a living.... things would just make alot more sense for me then.
So the upswing, folks? Some days there just aren't, and I wish I could take that sentence back. Reality.... it's a bitch sometimes, but let me throw out some band-aid cliches...
"tomorrows another day!"
"if it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger!"
"when life gives you lemons, make lemon-aid!"
Okay okay, enough. I did NOT capitalize the sentences on purpose, they don't deserve the recognition...and please note the exclamation marks. Fuckers always say it like it's the best news you will ever hear...
"Wow, it DIDN'T kill me, I'm alive... I'm totally stronger for surviving a day, thanks random cliche giving, vapid zero. I feel better already!"
"I'm totally going to see all the positives about my life Mr Lemon-Aid, Thanks! My car breaking down means I will get to work out as I have to bike ride all over town now....greaaaaat! And that rain will only challenge me to smile more as the vehicles splash God knows what kind of watery sewage as they race past me... Joy! Ever notice how Lemon-aid looks remarkably like piss? I'm juss sayin...."
And LASTLY... my fun one...
"Tomorrow IS another day.... I totally forgot, thanks for reminding me that it might actually, possibly, be WORSE! They should hand you a medal for being so observant and helpful mr I-secretly-hate-the-world-and-get-erections-from-saying-these-shithole-sayings-that-just-make-everyone-want-to-punch-me-in-the-babymaker guy!"
...and it's always the people that you sort of don't know too well either, it's never a fairly close friend... or it is and you are secretly punching them in their Pancreas with your Jedi Mind Tricks....
I feel..... better. I may have brought any of my unlucky readers down a few notches though, and for that I sincerely apologize. I would not wish my day on anyone, even the cliche toting verbal hookers aforementioned. Yes...even them, so that is saying much.
In closing... I am learning to be a pretty positive guy overall. It's a curve, but I'm catching the wave for the most part. Considering the past three or four months I have been struggling through though, that positive energy can dissipate after awhile. We all need a win now and then, to help us through the lean times.
To date, I have had fully ONE win. Just the one, but it was a doozy of a victory. The trick now is to not fuck up that victory with all the crap thats falling on my head.
This storm has to end soon... I hope. Really I do....
Until then, I write.
...and after then, I will write. Thank you for reading along with me this time around, even with the bumpy ride.
I won't bother telling you the list of 'bad things' that culminated into what seems to be this perfect storm of negative stuff in my life, swirling over my head with peals of thunder and heavy flashes of blue lightning...
Needless to say, I prepared for the storm, I just didn't expect it to last as long as it has. One can only take so much before the resistances, the inherent 'intestinal fortitude' drains like water through a sieve, and you are left cored out and empty.
Normally, I have a solid defense mechanism, in fact I have a number of them, to deal with lifes stresses and disappointments, but oddly enough, my defenses are being stripped from me, one by one...and it leaves me with the daunting task of dealing with my issues, heart laid bare, and no place to run.
I like to play guitar. It soothes me and makes my spirit calm when life slams into me like a car wreck. My guitar string snapped. First time I have ever broken a guitar string on my guitar. I have owned this thing for 8 years now? Almost? Something like that.... and it has helped me de-stress through some pretty rough times.
So, ok, fine, I can't use that to relax. I like to go for drives to clear my head, and especially enjoy a quiet place near the airport that will usually bring me peace.
My car didn't die... but it started to make some gawdawful noises and I have no money to fix it if it breaks. One more worry on top of the other forty seven 'urgent memos' in my minds Inbox all screaming for my full and undivided attention.
I went to my quiet place, and rarely, if ever, do other people visit this place. I pulled into the spot and started reading a book I am finding some sort of solace in (Po Bronsons "What Should I Do With My Life"). I started to relax a little and let the birdsong work its way into my subconscious stressball and loosen it a bit. The warm breezes with the earthy scents of rain were heavy in the air, lending urgency to the brackish clouds on the horizon, hinting at a storm brewing to the West. This was very nice and calming, like my mom stroking my hair when I was a little boy, making it feel as if everything were finally ok (Even if it happened to be a temporary illusion), then the 12 seater Van rolled up. Right. Beside. Me. So much for the view... the breezes now polluted with Ford exhaust, birds hushed by the heavy engine grumbling in idle for a few minutes as I angrily turned pages and made stink eyes at the interloper.
.... Then the second car came, boxing me in.
At this point I was done, and it was time to go home. Except I couldn't move. Sooooo I waitied out the blue car, read a chapter and finally headed back home, car rattling and vibrating ominously all the way.
I bought a 2 litre of Pepsi for some sugary goodness...somehow it disappeared from the store exit to my home. Can't figure it out, but all I wanted was to sit outside on the deck with a chilled glass of teeth rotting goodness, maybe try to do some more reading, who knows, a little bit of actual writing perhaps?!? It's an exciting life I lead, folks, make sure you don't try this shit at home!
So it's gone. It's not in the car, it's not anywhere in the house, it's not on the path to the house, it's just gone.
I went to go out to the deck for some reading with a cold glass of water (secretly eyeballing the chilled bottle of unopened wine and trying to jump the mental hurdles of how drunk I could get before having to be up for work the next morning), and as I headed to the door, I saw a massive flash, and the thunder rumbled loudly overhead, opening the floodgates and tearing it up with some fat and wet, very anti-deckreading, droplets of water.
All I could do was heave a toe curling sigh, close the door (Yes, I DID open it to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the fat water), slump my defeated shoulders, and head back to my room, to stare forlornly at my broken guitar.
One last thing happened to me tonight, but there is no mirth or dark humor to be found in it, so no details. End result is that my day ended terribly and I so wish I had been able to overcome it. From the bad dreams that woke me up, to the bad end...
Today, my soul took a beating unlike anything I have encountered in years. I'm trying to laugh it off. I'm trying to find my respite, some measure of peace, in the absolutely last de-stresser I have in my arsenal.
I write.
I do it for fun, I do it because I'm pretty good at it and it has always come naturally to me, I do it because it allows me to feel that I have control over situations where I have absolutely none. I do it so that people can understand that I'm a person too, and I can't always be strong... some days I am weak and I hurt and there's just nowhere to turn.
We all have those days. They are hard, believe me, I know. We get through them though, in any way that we possibly can, clawing desparately at a refuge in whatever form it takes for us.
I write. It's how I talk to the world. It's how I process. It's how I deal. I wish it were how I made a living.... things would just make alot more sense for me then.
So the upswing, folks? Some days there just aren't, and I wish I could take that sentence back. Reality.... it's a bitch sometimes, but let me throw out some band-aid cliches...
"tomorrows another day!"
"if it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger!"
"when life gives you lemons, make lemon-aid!"
Okay okay, enough. I did NOT capitalize the sentences on purpose, they don't deserve the recognition...and please note the exclamation marks. Fuckers always say it like it's the best news you will ever hear...
"Wow, it DIDN'T kill me, I'm alive... I'm totally stronger for surviving a day, thanks random cliche giving, vapid zero. I feel better already!"
"I'm totally going to see all the positives about my life Mr Lemon-Aid, Thanks! My car breaking down means I will get to work out as I have to bike ride all over town now....greaaaaat! And that rain will only challenge me to smile more as the vehicles splash God knows what kind of watery sewage as they race past me... Joy! Ever notice how Lemon-aid looks remarkably like piss? I'm juss sayin...."
And LASTLY... my fun one...
"Tomorrow IS another day.... I totally forgot, thanks for reminding me that it might actually, possibly, be WORSE! They should hand you a medal for being so observant and helpful mr I-secretly-hate-the-world-and-get-erections-from-saying-these-shithole-sayings-that-just-make-everyone-want-to-punch-me-in-the-babymaker guy!"
...and it's always the people that you sort of don't know too well either, it's never a fairly close friend... or it is and you are secretly punching them in their Pancreas with your Jedi Mind Tricks....
I feel..... better. I may have brought any of my unlucky readers down a few notches though, and for that I sincerely apologize. I would not wish my day on anyone, even the cliche toting verbal hookers aforementioned. Yes...even them, so that is saying much.
In closing... I am learning to be a pretty positive guy overall. It's a curve, but I'm catching the wave for the most part. Considering the past three or four months I have been struggling through though, that positive energy can dissipate after awhile. We all need a win now and then, to help us through the lean times.
To date, I have had fully ONE win. Just the one, but it was a doozy of a victory. The trick now is to not fuck up that victory with all the crap thats falling on my head.
This storm has to end soon... I hope. Really I do....
Until then, I write.
...and after then, I will write. Thank you for reading along with me this time around, even with the bumpy ride.
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