After the dream (first steps)
I’m really struggling here. I’m trying pretty damn hard to make some sense of where I am and what I am looking for, and so far it is a twisting path leading in big roundabout circles. Rather annoying to be honest.
It’s the note about the dream. It’s the book about finding our way. It’s the ceaseless unease sitting directly in the middle of my stomach like some kind of bullseye waiting for the arrow to hit it’s mark.
The good news... as it were.
1) Im not alone. Not by a long shot.
2) The process, whatever it is for me, takes a long time.
3) Even the act of questioning and writing all of this down right now is a step.
.. Towards what? I have no idea really. I have some naive hopes and foolish aspirations.
What do I want to do? What do I want to be? Who am I? Where is my heart tugging and railing to go to?
Okay... try to break it down just a little bit... one piece of the puzzle at a time.
My job. I am pretty damn close to truly being unhappy there. Every day gets harder. What is it? Lack of motivation/challenge/reprieve. Its too busy and too structured.
I have had clients stating how they wished they could get back to me if they called back like a phone personal banker.. And thats what I want too! I like the connections I have made and feel that I can work with these people to move forward in a positive way with them. That’s rewarding to me.
I like helping folks and even in a banking environment, I have tried to form my heart around the business of it all. It was never a comfortable fit. I’m never going to “Bleed blue” regarding my current company. At least not where I am at.
I know I cannot advance as it is there. Do I even want to at this point? Not even sure.
If I were to stay in the banking world, I’d need to be helping folks more..maybe a branch job will be enough, more personable and interactive? It’s my forte. I’m really good with people, and a great communicator...
I love to write. I love to talk and listen to people as long as there is time to do so.
I love History in the medieval era. I love books and reading and I really love music. I am loving Martial Arts.
Ok, so I know what I love, and have intense interest in. Now what?
Honestly... I think about taking classes, going to school or whatnot for writing and Im not sure if its laziness or fear or a fine mix of both.. But I have always hesitated about post secondary.
It’s the fear that I will be proven ‘not smart enough’. I like to think I am pretty smart.... I don’t know if I would like that stripped of me by some merciless and sterile institution...
Oh wait the bank already did that hahaha. Anyway. I know I am very good at my job, both technically and with the customers. I am a pro... Its that simple. But Im now a very bored and unchallenged pro, who is just slogging through the grinder in a place that is fast becoming hard to deal with.
I’m frustrated. I want to pick up the proverbial pen, put ink to paper, and sell novels. I know it’s the one real gift I was ever given in life, and I feel the fool for squandering it so far. Do I want to write? I would love that to be my job... but more on my terms. Like a novelist. I do well with deadlines and such, they don’t bother or hinder me much at all. Of course that comment is glib in the face of little to no experience. I fear the rejection that is inherent in the business.
My dream is to be written about.. To be immortalized in ink and to really affect and impact people with something that I wrote, a piece of my heart and soul and spirit and vision injected between those covers that people would pick up and catch the fire of my thoughts.
I want to make people laugh. I am good at humor, and entertaining is it’s own form of magic to me so I feel that that is part of it.
Do I write humorous books about a medieval martial artist who likes rock and roll? I have no idea yet.
I like reality. I like reading and trying to write about real life stuff and people. The book Im reading is perfect and amazing to read... and scary because of its complexity and my lack of vision in comparison.
I need to try out writing. See if I am as good as I THINK I am at it. I need feedback, real, constructive and brutally honest feedback. I was never a fan of pandering. I need truth and I need it especially regarding my special gift that I truly love and try so hard to protect from the reality of life and harsh rejection.
I need to change something. The steps I have taken so far have helped calm me inside, but also made it even harder for me to do my job.
I know I have the Ryan that is doing and pursuing things of value. Volunteering and martial arts, to me are good things... one is for me and the other is for my past.
I have spent a lot of time working in and with inner city groups, and I wonder if thats where I belong as well? Does it matter? I don’t particularly want to go back to the ghetto where I grew up although I know I was formed and shaped in that crucible. What does all of that history mean to me?
I know I have the Ryan that is the professional. The man who fought through the bad habits and issues and life in general to become a somewhat successful banker.
These two conflicting persona’s aren’t really enemies, but they are not complimenting one another right now. I need them to fit for me to fit. I’m not sure that that is possible as it is.
I am proud of my achievements so far. I worked really hard to get here, but now that I am pretty much at the top in this job... I am looking around for an outlet. Hell, I am sitting at my desk typing this, feeling better about myself and the two pages of back patting and horn tooting.
Writing is a good vent, a solid outlet, for anyone. But it has always been more than that to me.
It’s like how some tribes in Africa or wherever, always thought that a picture was a way of stealing part of your soul... I guess I feel the same way about writing, except not in such a negative viewpoint.
I capture a part of my rampant soul and throw it onto the empty page like a painting, and the words will just come to me, all in a rush and a sweet sense of accomplishment. I want to share that with the world.
I want people to read me and smile. I want folks to look into my soul through the pages and see something that they recognize. I want to know that I am doing it right, and that confirmation would affirm my gift, allowing me to race ahead with it to who knows where.
I guess the question for me is this:
Does anyone care to read what I have inside of me, and can I tame the inner beast enough to communicate my desires well enough to breach the gap from me to you, dear reader?
I have been speaking to different people who feel my discomfort in their own ways. People just like me, people not at all like me, people with their own ideas and hopes, goals and dreams, and there is a resounding frustration regarding the ‘not getting there-ness’.
I enjoy the conversations with these people who are willing to open up to me. Some are close friends, others work acquaintances, and a few are even less than that, but the same desires beat in all of our hearts, uniting us in purpose, if not for the same goals.
I want to tell each person what they need to hear, and the fierce warrior in my heart certainly wants to jump in there and get into it with these people. But who am I to tell them anything? Since when did I qualify as a guide in any way, shape or form? All I can do is struggle along beside them as they wrestle, and share my thoughts and experience.
My note on dreams did drum up some interest and comments, of which I was glad to read, even though I didn’t comment on most of them... these are good things, these dreams, and to share them takes a great deal of courage. Never deny that. You expose yourself in an intimate way by sharing your personal dreams, they are yours and no one can change or affect them. They reflect where your secret heart lies and how you fit into this world. It’s pretty scary to share our dreams, damn straight!
I have vowed to search out my dreams. I also want to walk what I talk regarding these things that I am exploring.
I am just an ordinary man, starting an extraordinary search for an undefined goal, with no path or maps, just a sense of instinct and a few clues buried in my spirit.
... You know what you like. Start with that, and see where it takes you.
As a final by-line. At no point did I say this would be easy, or even fun along the way. From what I am understanding thus far, and from my own experiences, its hard, painful, frustrating, and confusing, but it’s the path... and like giving birth... it’s a process, and sometimes its painful and awful.. But the end result is always worth it.
It’s the note about the dream. It’s the book about finding our way. It’s the ceaseless unease sitting directly in the middle of my stomach like some kind of bullseye waiting for the arrow to hit it’s mark.
The good news... as it were.
1) Im not alone. Not by a long shot.
2) The process, whatever it is for me, takes a long time.
3) Even the act of questioning and writing all of this down right now is a step.
.. Towards what? I have no idea really. I have some naive hopes and foolish aspirations.
What do I want to do? What do I want to be? Who am I? Where is my heart tugging and railing to go to?
Okay... try to break it down just a little bit... one piece of the puzzle at a time.
My job. I am pretty damn close to truly being unhappy there. Every day gets harder. What is it? Lack of motivation/challenge/repri
I have had clients stating how they wished they could get back to me if they called back like a phone personal banker.. And thats what I want too! I like the connections I have made and feel that I can work with these people to move forward in a positive way with them. That’s rewarding to me.
I like helping folks and even in a banking environment, I have tried to form my heart around the business of it all. It was never a comfortable fit. I’m never going to “Bleed blue” regarding my current company. At least not where I am at.
I know I cannot advance as it is there. Do I even want to at this point? Not even sure.
If I were to stay in the banking world, I’d need to be helping folks more..maybe a branch job will be enough, more personable and interactive? It’s my forte. I’m really good with people, and a great communicator...
I love to write. I love to talk and listen to people as long as there is time to do so.
I love History in the medieval era. I love books and reading and I really love music. I am loving Martial Arts.
Ok, so I know what I love, and have intense interest in. Now what?
Honestly... I think about taking classes, going to school or whatnot for writing and Im not sure if its laziness or fear or a fine mix of both.. But I have always hesitated about post secondary.
It’s the fear that I will be proven ‘not smart enough’. I like to think I am pretty smart.... I don’t know if I would like that stripped of me by some merciless and sterile institution...
Oh wait the bank already did that hahaha. Anyway. I know I am very good at my job, both technically and with the customers. I am a pro... Its that simple. But Im now a very bored and unchallenged pro, who is just slogging through the grinder in a place that is fast becoming hard to deal with.
I’m frustrated. I want to pick up the proverbial pen, put ink to paper, and sell novels. I know it’s the one real gift I was ever given in life, and I feel the fool for squandering it so far. Do I want to write? I would love that to be my job... but more on my terms. Like a novelist. I do well with deadlines and such, they don’t bother or hinder me much at all. Of course that comment is glib in the face of little to no experience. I fear the rejection that is inherent in the business.
My dream is to be written about.. To be immortalized in ink and to really affect and impact people with something that I wrote, a piece of my heart and soul and spirit and vision injected between those covers that people would pick up and catch the fire of my thoughts.
I want to make people laugh. I am good at humor, and entertaining is it’s own form of magic to me so I feel that that is part of it.
Do I write humorous books about a medieval martial artist who likes rock and roll? I have no idea yet.
I like reality. I like reading and trying to write about real life stuff and people. The book Im reading is perfect and amazing to read... and scary because of its complexity and my lack of vision in comparison.
I need to try out writing. See if I am as good as I THINK I am at it. I need feedback, real, constructive and brutally honest feedback. I was never a fan of pandering. I need truth and I need it especially regarding my special gift that I truly love and try so hard to protect from the reality of life and harsh rejection.
I need to change something. The steps I have taken so far have helped calm me inside, but also made it even harder for me to do my job.
I know I have the Ryan that is doing and pursuing things of value. Volunteering and martial arts, to me are good things... one is for me and the other is for my past.
I have spent a lot of time working in and with inner city groups, and I wonder if thats where I belong as well? Does it matter? I don’t particularly want to go back to the ghetto where I grew up although I know I was formed and shaped in that crucible. What does all of that history mean to me?
I know I have the Ryan that is the professional. The man who fought through the bad habits and issues and life in general to become a somewhat successful banker.
These two conflicting persona’s aren’t really enemies, but they are not complimenting one another right now. I need them to fit for me to fit. I’m not sure that that is possible as it is.
I am proud of my achievements so far. I worked really hard to get here, but now that I am pretty much at the top in this job... I am looking around for an outlet. Hell, I am sitting at my desk typing this, feeling better about myself and the two pages of back patting and horn tooting.
Writing is a good vent, a solid outlet, for anyone. But it has always been more than that to me.
It’s like how some tribes in Africa or wherever, always thought that a picture was a way of stealing part of your soul... I guess I feel the same way about writing, except not in such a negative viewpoint.
I capture a part of my rampant soul and throw it onto the empty page like a painting, and the words will just come to me, all in a rush and a sweet sense of accomplishment. I want to share that with the world.
I want people to read me and smile. I want folks to look into my soul through the pages and see something that they recognize. I want to know that I am doing it right, and that confirmation would affirm my gift, allowing me to race ahead with it to who knows where.
I guess the question for me is this:
Does anyone care to read what I have inside of me, and can I tame the inner beast enough to communicate my desires well enough to breach the gap from me to you, dear reader?
I have been speaking to different people who feel my discomfort in their own ways. People just like me, people not at all like me, people with their own ideas and hopes, goals and dreams, and there is a resounding frustration regarding the ‘not getting there-ness’.
I enjoy the conversations with these people who are willing to open up to me. Some are close friends, others work acquaintances, and a few are even less than that, but the same desires beat in all of our hearts, uniting us in purpose, if not for the same goals.
I want to tell each person what they need to hear, and the fierce warrior in my heart certainly wants to jump in there and get into it with these people. But who am I to tell them anything? Since when did I qualify as a guide in any way, shape or form? All I can do is struggle along beside them as they wrestle, and share my thoughts and experience.
My note on dreams did drum up some interest and comments, of which I was glad to read, even though I didn’t comment on most of them... these are good things, these dreams, and to share them takes a great deal of courage. Never deny that. You expose yourself in an intimate way by sharing your personal dreams, they are yours and no one can change or affect them. They reflect where your secret heart lies and how you fit into this world. It’s pretty scary to share our dreams, damn straight!
I have vowed to search out my dreams. I also want to walk what I talk regarding these things that I am exploring.
I am just an ordinary man, starting an extraordinary search for an undefined goal, with no path or maps, just a sense of instinct and a few clues buried in my spirit.
... You know what you like. Start with that, and see where it takes you.
As a final by-line. At no point did I say this would be easy, or even fun along the way. From what I am understanding thus far, and from my own experiences, its hard, painful, frustrating, and confusing, but it’s the path... and like giving birth... it’s a process, and sometimes its painful and awful.. But the end result is always worth it.
Comments