A Bachelors Blog

I noticed that my last few months worth of blogs are all focused on a central theme.... namely me struggling to make a relationship work and my efforts being wasted.    So For the most part, besides the small backslide now and then, I am done with the belly aching. I will try to keep the posts light hearted and informative in a non relationship sort of way...    I helped a good friend move today and I DO realize that people have very different styles, and his is eerily similar to how mine once was.... and man did I get annoyed and stressed.. hah!  We made it through and got things done decently..except for me breakin half of his stuff :-/   Free labour, tread lightly!     Tomorrow I pick up the keys to the place and finish my own moving in, was too tired to do it today after 7 hours of moving stuff all afternoon. After work.   On top of everything else, I was bummed.... a very close friend is moving to friggin Europe!  My be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNtjksCUMIA   I guess that sometimes you just can't talk your way into a better future.  Having to rely on other peoples choices and decisions seems to be getting harder and harder as time goes by.  I know during this past year I had poured my heart and soul completely into something that the other party wasn't terribly interested in.    When told that they were afraid I was going to leave all the time, they forgot to mention that I used to stay all the time and try to communicate and make things work, but I was always alone in the effort, so eventually I got tired and gave up.  So Now when Im ready to walk away during each fight, is it a big surprise?  Apparently so. I did what was asked of me. Worked on relationship issues and whatever I asked, well, it got put on the sidelines.    I am sad.  I miss her a great deal... but I don't miss being taken advantage of and being involved with someone who is...

I'm trying hard to be heard.  My frustrations and efforts are all being rebuffed and it really starts to feel like two steps forward and three steps back in this.     Quickly this is becoming a mess and not something worth fighting for and that realization is sad when all that seems play out is a negative response.   I'm tired of the negative.  I have been saying this for awhile now, but I am tired of fighting, arguing, not being heard, not being given alternatives, letting my feelings get trampled at every turn in this.    I'm tired of you not listening. Of not trying to compromise and not hearing the anguish in my heart over all of this and the extraordinary efforts I have and continue to make for this thing.     None of it seems to be enough. Passively you sit and let it all fall apart as I grip the grains of sand only to feel each one slide between my clenched fist, and I know that we are losing eachother one day at a time. ...

...is hard to do. Unless it's court ordered.  God, even my humor has gone black.   In a romantic comedy, the pining and desiring, and crazy gestures would go along with a nice soundtrack and the proper words and cute scripting. This is not that. In reality, its akin to stalking at worst, or at best, an annoying nuisance reminder of something failed.   Do I hold on and hope for something to change?  Do I cut loose and nurse the hurts and just try not to look back?   Im stuck.  So bloody stuck.  And in the meantime, the old dreams refuse to die. The future that is no longer a future still sticks bright in my mind.   I feel powerless to move.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTXA_q12hKg Frightened Rabbit. Scottish band. Not too shabby

  It's time to talk about options.  Choices and decisions set forth for oneself in an attempt at the illusion of self control.   So here goes - -School. Take some writing/English courses... aim for that Journalism profession out in Toronto. -Change career paths from my current tradeswork.  Find something paying more, maybe a new angle and approach to life to help me along. -Stay the course. Keep plugging away at my job, my life, my very truthfully depressing reality at the moment. (I know that come summer time, things will be looking up, but that's a long view to be seeing when tomorrow is going to kick my ass, and the day after, and then after that...etc etc) -Things get a bit farther afield, figuratively and in reality from here. Move out West. Spend time with family out in BC and just recharge, work, maybe change my life in a visceral way.  Would need a job to be waiting for me out there..not that adventurous. -Move to Europe and work out there. A lo...

...and sometimes, waking up is the hardest thing to do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj4b5rRDy00